Desperate
by Cornwall Writes
Summary: Severus Snape never meant to fall for James Potter, but sometimes you can't help what happens...
1. Chapter 1

He wasn't sure when it had become more than just bullying. When James had started getting closer and closer until they were nose to nose. When James had started cornering him in abandoned classrooms and broom closets. When the snide remarks had started being about how he would never get a girlfriend. About how he was clearly desperate for someone to shag him. James would smirk as he reached a hand to his erection and comment on how he made James hard because he was so worthless. It built, and built, and built, until he couldn't take it anymore. The next time James fondled his dick in a broom closet, whispering about all the places he could stick it, he kissed him.

Severus had never felt that fire before. Fireworks seemed to explode behind his eyes as his mouth opened in a gasp the second James returned the kiss. They were desperate, hungry kisses, both of them searching for a thing they hadn't known existed seconds before. Within minutes James had his hand down Severus' trousers, hand moving swiftly as Severus grew closer and closer to the brink. That first time, he was the first to get there, James following quickly afterwards thanks to the sheer tension of their encounters.

Both of them thought it would be the last time. They thought the heat would disappear, and the teasing would go back to actual bullying. If anything, it got stronger. But they got more experienced, and learnt how to drive the other wild, and their sessions lasted longer and longer until they were spending hours together. James always came first though, making Severus wait for his release.

Severus wasn't gay, exactly. He didn't know what he was. The wizarding world was quite behind in terms of sexual freedom. There were few openly gay witches or wizards, and there was a heavy focus on getting married quickly and producing an heir. James had felt that pressure since he was a young teenager, and had chosen the beautiful Lily Evans as his girlfriend, despite her saying no. She gave into pressure from friends and family, and he dated her.

Severus wanted to believe she couldn't make James feel the way he could. He wanted to be the only one who saw behind the mask, who saw the real smile that always surfaced when it was just the two of them. He wanted to have James all to himself. He overheard James boasting about taking Lily's virginity, exaggerating the tale and making her sound like a wanton whore. He ran off, heading to their room where he waited for hours, past the time they should have met up. James never showed that night, and only sent a note the next morning with a hasty apology and a reschedule for the next night.

Severus couldn't stop himself from seeing James, despite knowing it would end badly. He wanted so desperately to talk to him about what was happening, to find out if they had a future, but he was scared that would stop their present. He tried distancing himself, distracting himself with girls and boys, with anyone.

He found an ally in Narcissa. She was a coupe of years below him, but was engaged to one of his almost-friends. She had the same problem, though not with James Potter. She was in lust with Alice Longbottom, who clearly shared the feeling based on the heated glances the two shared. But Narcissa knew nothing could happen, and she had the sense to not start something she couldn't finish. She helped Severus start to get over James, and he felt better. For a while.

She couldn't help completely. Once a month, James would send Severus a note asking if they could meet up. For their whole seventh year, while a war was rumbling around them, two boys found bliss for a few moments while wrapped around each other. James was an asshole, and Severus well on his way to becoming a Death Eater, but that didn't matter when they were together. Nothing did.

A/N: This isn't me coming back to fanfiction. This is the influence of colubrina, who posted a rant on tumblr about the Marauders being assholes and this somehow got stuck in my head. I'm sorry to anyone who read this (I'm extra sorry if you've read any of my other stuff because it is Dire and should be burnt.)


	2. Chapter 2

Everyone assumed he missed Lily. Everyone knew he hated James. They never expected him to be sad about James dying.

He took a week to recover. A week to resurface. To be able to look anyone in the eye, hear them say they were so sorry about what had happened to the Potters', to that poor boy. The poor boy who was only a year old, and had managed to defeat the darkest wizard of their age. Who was being raised by _Muggles_.

He had raged at Dumbledore for that. Told him time and time again that Petunia wasn't a good person, that she didn't deserve to raise a child of her own, let alone the saviour of the wizarding world. He didn't like the Weasleys', but he petitioned on their behalf more than once. He told Dumbledore he would help them pay for the blasted child if that was what it took. Dumbledore refused every time, claiming something about love.

Love. What good would it do? It hadn't saved Harry. It hadn't saved Lily. It hadn't saved James. It hadn't saved anyone during the war. There was barely a person who hadn't lost someone during those terrible years. Even the Weasleys' had lost a child, though it wasn't well known. Love couldn't do anything other than break your heart.

When he saw the child for the first time, his heart skipped what felt like a thousand beats and he forgot how to breathe. _He looked like James._ To Severus, who thought he would never see him again, beyond the few photographs he had allowed himself, it was like a punch to the stomach. He couldn't help but hate the child for being such a painful reminder of what he had lost.

Sometimes he wondered if Dumbledore knew. He would say things that could be seen as him having guessed. Severus didn't want him to know, couldn't take someone else knowing. It wouldn't be his then. He managed to keep up the façade of it being Lily, even to Sirius and Remus, who must have known. They _must_ have.

He learnt to tolerate the boy. There was enough of Lily in him that tears stopped flooding his eyes every time he saw Harry come around a corner because he strutted the same way James had, and he stopped feeling like his stomach had been ripped open every time he heard Harry laugh because for a split second he had been back in the room with James, James the way he truly loved him, open and free. This boy had Lily's skill with Potions and Charms, her easy way with everyone. All the things everyone thought he hated him for, Severus felt gratitude. Every time he did something _just like Lily_ and Dumbledore looked at him with pity, Severus felt relief that he wasn't that like James. That he had some respect for others.

He found himself helping Harry. Joining the light once again in order to make sure that Harry, the last bit of James left in the world, stayed alive. Severus died with a smile on his lips and one thought in his head. _Always, James, always._


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Because apparently James needed to have his say too. This is an extraneous chapter, feel free to ignore it completely.

James knew it was wrong. He loved _Lily._ Snape just got on his nerves. Under his skin in a way no one else did. He was an itch to scratch, that's all. Nothing more than an itch.

He couldn't ever be more.

But Lily. Lily was the perfect girl for him. She was a prefect, with good grades and Merlin, she was gorgeous. With long ginger hair and green eyes and that smirk…

No. The smirk was Snape. Lily smiled like she was constantly happy. Now he had her, she smiled at him like he was her everything. And he was. They would spend the rest of their lives together, just him and Severus.

 _No._ He didn't like Severus. Snape. He was just a distraction, stress relief from exams. Lily wouldn't sleep with him yet, and he was a teenage boy. He had needs. Snape would never tell. He could do plenty of things with that mouth though…

 _Lily._ She was the important one. He had to forget about Snape. He tried. He tried so hard. He managed his whole honeymoon, spending the time with Lily and learning her body fully. He found himself comparing her to Snape, trying so hard not to. She never managed to come first in his head. There was always something wrong.

He had been back barely a week before he sent an owl to Snape. It said nothing, only a date and time. When they met up, his breath left him and James found himself coming to the sudden realisation that he loved Severus. Loved him in a way he could never love again.

James was terrified. He couldn't love Severus. They would never work. Even when they were together, they only worked when they weren't talking. As soon as conversation started, James remembered all the reasons why he hated him before.

Besides, Severus didn't like him back. Severus had his Death Eaters and his Voldemort and they just _wouldn't work._ It wasn't possible.

And then Lily fell pregnant. And James was so happy. All he wanted to do was tell Severus. But how do you tell the man you're in love with that your wife is having a baby? How do you tell him that no, you can't make the meeting this week (because they moved from monthly to fortnightly when James couldn't stop thinking about him) because she's having a scan at the hospital and then you're going shopping for a cot? How do you tell him that the baby's arrived so you don't know when you'll be able to get away for who knows how long?

It was hardest when they were on the move. He couldn't see Severus for _months_ , the longest since his honeymoon. He tried so hard to keep his focus on his wife and his baby, his little Harry, but he was constantly worrying about Severus. He lost weight, which made Lily suddenly refuse to move again. She wasn't having her husband worry himself sick. She thought he was worried about Harry and her.

They moved to Godric's Hollow, and James dared to write to Severus. He told him where the house was before the Fidelius Charm went up. He brought him to see Harry, saw how Severus cooed over the baby and wondered for half a minute what it would be like to bring Harry up with Severus. Would they work if they had something to stay together for?

When Voldemort stormed the house, terror froze James for a moment too long. He shouted at Lily to get upstairs as a reflex, images of Severus being tortured flooding his brain. He didn't know how they had been found, and he prayed that Severus was alive. If he and Lily had to die, Severus could take Harry and look after him.

James Potter's last thoughts weren't of his wife and child cowering upstairs, but of his lover who stood outside the house, tears streaming down his face behind the mask.


End file.
